There are no monkeys in this film.
Hotly anticipated by most for the return of legendary character actors like Willem Dafoe and Alfred Molina, to me Spider-Man: No Way Home represented a chance for the criminally under-represented Marvel alternative universe Earth-8101 to make its first cinematic appearance.
While most people filed out of the theatre happy to have seen Willem Dafoe and his teeth been given another chance to chew to on the scenery and throw some more pumpkin bombs, I couldn’t help but feel resigned to the fate that the Marvel Apes universe will never make it to the silver screen.
Most people go to the movies to see a super-hero (or at least the Rock) narrowly avoid some kind of spectacular death and then make a pithy quip. I wish that could be enough for me – then I could be satisfied by whatever choice I made with my popcorn.
Instead I am doomed to watch out for furred yet unmuzzled faces and prehensile tails or else make my way home with the gnawing void north of my guts unanswered to – as was the case as the credits rolled on the latest instalment in the Tom Holland series of your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man.
The cutting edge of my disappointment was only sharpened by how close we came to a proper Monkey-Marvel cross-over mash-up. With the arrival of the best-ofs from other universes’ gallery of rogues due to a botched spell by Doctor Strange and his real American accent, Spider-Man and his real American accent is forced to swing into action alongside several other versions of himself.
Tobey MacGuire from the heart-on-its-sleeve Raimi outings is now a veteran, on his way to grizzled, and Andrew Garfield does his best to retcon the forgettable glossiness of the Amazing series which was captained by the definitely not coincidentally named Marc Webb.
Spiders-Men and Drs Octopus and Osborn from different worlds, alongside Lizard and Electro, who was given a makeover by the trip through the reality wormhole – something the film forgets to go back and explain.
So the gates of reality are wide-open for a moment and anything could happen. Unfortunately, what does happen is a bunch of characters we have already seen appear and try to take over the world or something.
Somewhere out there spinning on its own resplendent arm of the multiverse is the world of Marvel Apes – a world where apes and monkeys take the place of all main characters.
Its the world of Spider-Monkey, web-swinging simian, who joins the Apevengers to keep Monkhattan safe from the dastardly plots of the likes of Doctor Ooktopus.
The films has plenty of anthropomorphised reptile representation, with Rhys Ifans appearing in scaled form for most of the film’s length.
But where – I ask once more – are the monkeys.
The films ends with a trailer for another Marvel joint – a promise that the waterfall of content will never turn off. Coming soon is Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness. The plot is still largely under wraps, but if we are going back to the multiverse, there is time for a course correction.
Perhaps in his journeying across the different lives across the reality divide he may encounter the likes of Iron Mandrill – a perfect excuse for Disney to bring Robert Downey Jr back, as they presumably would kill to do.
As always, I keep holding onto hope.
Is there a monkey in it? 